jac wasn't at the court today, something just wasn't right.

the usual encourager needs encouragements at times too.
Hug: To press closely within the arms; to clasp to the bosom; to embrace.
it was really heart warming, that hug from hq was so needed. thanks my dear, so much so much, really(:
and to all who asked, thanks so much, i'm fine yea.

it wasn't tiredness that contributed to my mood, maybe it was a stupid mood swing.
they noticed it, i was quiet. the usual hyper jac was almost black-faced for the whole time.

was the team not doing well? where could we have improved ourselves? why am i feeling this way?

the questions were on-going.

i didn't wanna talk about it during trng, i didn't wanna affect everyone's mood. for all you knw when i go on about stuffs like this, those tears just ain't as strong to be held back. i thought i could go through it all and maybe a good sleep tonight will do the job, but the fact that i felt much better talking it out.

i admit, i compared. again.
defense today just sucked, that's how i felt. the want just wasn't there, there wasn't even a need to say, you can see it for yourself. the morale was low, lacked communication, everything and everything. i thought of my girls back then, i thought of how we used to fight for every ball and how we never fail to count the balls that went in during drills, we never missed count. it was just the spirit there.

i felt guilty.

being the v-cap, comparing just doesn't do any good. so what if i thought of my girls back then, what about these girls now? it's just unfair. i know it myself but the thought just came, i didn't want it too. i told pl and she said it was just human nature to compare, but if only you'd know how it sucked to feel that way when i feel that i've let you girls down, just by my thoughts.
eunice once told me, "at least when we look back, we smile and be happy that we have once such a team, it'll always be in our memories."

i lacked the patience, the kind when i see someone doing things half-heartedly.
if you don't know you ask, you ask and ask again and not just wait to go dwn and do it all wrong, only till then when coach starts telling you your mistakes. be more passive, i just don't like it when you see the team working so hard and you promised that you'll commit but you don't seem like you're taking it seriously.
now i know why all my maths and physics teachers hate me, it's really not easy being a teacher. if only i could have this kinda attitude towards this 2 subjs right!

it's utterly stupid having an internal conflict, maybe its not her, it's me. i've gotta learn to trust again. instead of her being passive since it could be the case that's she's not the sort, i could just go over and ask her if she was confused in any of our plays, to be more patient in explaining. instead of pointing fingers, i shall take the initiative next trng onwards, first up to buy her a decent rubber band.

i feel bad leaving eunice's last trng before she flies off for her osle, a bad one):

remembered coach once said,
"you need to know your strength, so you will know where will you be able to contribute to the team."
i have always been finding an answer to that, but it's all fruitless. i don't even have the slightest idea. ):